Strength of Struggle Q&A #31: “I Feel Like I Failed at Life”

Q:

Dear Rabbi,

I come from a large family. Most of my siblings are much older than me and are financially very successful. The few who aren't married into wealthy families.

My wife and I are the only religiously observant ones, and we're struggling financially.

I have a wonderful family, and I know I have a lot to be grateful for. But when I see my siblings taking vacations around the world and living comfortably while I struggle to make ends meet, I can't help feeling like I've failed in life.

How do I stop feeling this way?

— Yehuda

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A:

Dear Yehuda,

First of all, I want to tell you that I don't think you're a bad person for feeling this way.

You look around and see your siblings living lives that seem easier and more comfortable. They're traveling, buying homes, taking care of their families in ways that you wish you could. Meanwhile, you're trying to do the right thing, raise a frum family, and keep your head above water.

Of course that hurts.

It’s not just about the money, it's about the story you've started telling yourself.

"They succeeded and I didn't.”

You've started using money as the main measure of whether you succeeded or failed

That’s understandable. We live in a world where money solves problems. It gives choices. It gives security.

But is it the only measure?

You say, "I feel like I failed in life."

I wonder what would happen if you asked yourself:

Failed at what? Being a husband? A father? At living according to your values? At building a home that reflects what you believe?

Or do you mean that you failed at becoming financially successful?

Those are not the same things.

And I think part of your pain is that you've taken one area of your life that's difficult and quietly allowed it to become the definition of your whole life.

Parnassah, a livelihood is stressful. Watching others live with ease while you struggle is painful. And I don't think you need to pretend otherwise.

But I also don't think your job is to stop wishing things were easier.

I think your job is to ask yourself:

What kind of husband do I want to be?
What kind of father do I want my children to remember?

Because twenty years from now, your children are probably not going to say:
"I wish Dad had taken us to Switzerland."

I would encourage you to step back and ask a bigger question.

Not, "Why don't I have what they have?"
But:
"What does it mean for me to live a successful life?"

I think the answer to that question may be much richer than you realize.

Hashem should bless you with abundant parnassah, with peace of mind, and with the ability to see the tremendous wealth that already exists in your life.