Strength of Struggle Q&A #3: “I feel unconnected”

Q:

“Dear Rabbi,

My husband is very warm, loving, and giving. But I don’t feel it. I want to have more communication with him. I really want to show respect. I want to become stronger and more positive. Thank you."

Sarah L.

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A:

Sarah - First of all, what a beautiful and honest question! 🌟 Your self-awareness, your desire to grow, and your wish to show more respect already demonstrate tremendous strength and sincerity. Many people stay silent when they feel something missing. Just putting this into words is a huge step.

From a CBT perspective, what you are describing is common: there can be a gap between someone’s actions and how we emotionally receive them. Our brain sometimes filters or blocks feelings of connection because of stress, old patterns, or different “languages of love.”

The Maharal also teaches that relationships are not only about what one gives, but how the other learns to receive:

עַל שְׁלשָׁה דְבָרִים הָעוֹלָם עוֹמֵד: עַל הַתּוֹרָה, וְעַל הָעֲבוֹדָה וְעַל גְּמִילוּת חֲסָדִים.

"The world stands on three things: on Torah, on divine service, and on acts of kindness." (Avot 1:2)

כי מעשה הגמילות חסדים אינו נשלם עד שיש בו שני צדדים - נותן ומקבל; והמקבל מקבלו בלב שלם. אם אין מקבל, אין המעשה שלם.

"For the act of kindness is not complete until it has two sides - one who gives and one who receives. And the receiver must accept it wholeheartedly. If there is no receiver, the act itself is not complete." (Derech Chaim on Avot 1:2)

The good news: awareness plus small shifts in thinking and action can help close that gap.

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🛠 Tools for Communication and Positivity

1. Name What You See

Each day, notice one act of warmth or giving from your husband. Say it out loud: “I really appreciated that you…” This trains your mind to feel what is already there.

1. Request, Don’t Complain

Instead of: “You never talk to me.”

Try: “I’d love if we could sit for 10 minutes after supper to catch up. That would mean a lot to me.”

1. Reframe the Thought

Automatic thought: “He doesn’t really care, or else I’d feel it.”

Reframe: “He does care deeply; my work is to open my heart to notice it and invite more of what I need.”

1. Gratitude Journal

Write down three things daily that you respect or admire about him, even if small. Over time, this retrains your emotional radar.

May Hashem bless you and your husband with true shalom bayis, that your home be filled with love, respect, communication, and peace.