Strength of Struggle Q&A #29: “Why Do I Keep Reacting?”

Q:

Dear Rabbi,

I have a sweet four-year-old son who is really a wonderful kid.

I've been trying to be more playful and patient with him, but I keep noticing how much I criticize him. Sometimes he'll spill water while trying to pour himself a drink, and before I know it, I'm correcting him or getting upset.

The strange thing is that while it's happening, part of me knows it's not a big deal. I'm literally thinking, "Just hand him a towel and move on."
I've tried taking a breath. I've tried being more accepting of myself. I've tried understanding that this is how I was raised.

But I keep finding myself reacting the same way.

How can I actually change?

— Esti

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A:

Dear Esti,

First of all, raising children is hard. Really hard. You would be hard pressed to find a parent that didn’t have moments they aren't proud of.

The fact that you're asking this question tells me that you're thinking about your parenting, reflecting on it, and trying to grow. That's not a small thing and I commend you for that.

You also sound like you’re taking the right steps. You're taking a breath. You're trying to understand yourself. You're looking honestly at your reactions. Those are important steps, and they matter.

It seems to me, though, that the spilled water isn’t really the issue.

If a stranger spilled a glass of water in a restaurant, it probably wouldn't bother you very much. You might even smile and help clean it up.
So why does it feel different when your son does it?

Usually, when we have a reaction that feels bigger than the situation itself, something else is being touched inside of us.

Sometimes it's fear.

A fear that we're failing as parents.
A fear that our children won't learn responsibility.
A fear of losing control.

Sometimes it's an old message we grew up with that we're not even aware we're carrying.

The spill is visible. The trigger behind your reaction might not be as clear.

King Shlomo writes, "מִכָּל מִשְׁמָר נְצֹר לִבֶּךָ כִּי מִמֶּנּוּ תּוֹצְאוֹת חַיִּים" "Guard your heart above all else, for from it come the issues of life" (Mishlei 4:23).

In other words, our reactions often tell us more about what's going on inside us than what's happening around us.

So instead of asking, "How do I stop criticizing?" try asking a different question:

"What am I afraid of in this moment?"
"What am I telling myself when this happens?"
"What does the spilled water mean to me?"

Sometimes the first victory is understanding yourself better, and understanding often comes before change.

Hashem should give you the wisdom to understand yourself, the patience to keep growing, and much nachas from your son.