Strength of Struggle Q&A #28: “I’m Starting To Resent Everybody Needing Me”

Q:

Dear Rabbi,

The other night I got home exhausted. My phone rang and I just stared at it until it stopped.

I knew exactly who it was. Somebody who probably needed help.

And honestly, I just didn't want to deal with one more person needing something from me.

I've always tried to be there for people. But lately I feel like everybody needs something.

And instead of feeling good about helping, I'm starting to feel annoyed.

I feel guilty because these are people I care about. Family. Friends. People who genuinely need help.

I don't know how it happened, but somehow I've become "that guy" that everybody seems to need.

I also feel like nobody really notices when I'm struggling because I'm busy being there for everyone else.

And the worst part is that my wife and kids are getting whatever energy is left after everybody else takes their piece, and honestly, that's not very much.

What do I do?

— Yitzy

---

A:

Dear Yitzy,

The phone call isn't what bothered you.

What bothered you was realizing that somebody needed you, and your first thought was, "I just can't do this right now."

That scared you.

Because that's not the person you want to be.

The truth is, I don't think you're becoming selfish.

I think you've been carrying a lot for a long time.

When people are kind and dependable, more and more gets placed on their shoulders. A favor here. A phone call there. Someone needs advice. Someone needs help. And because they're good people, they keep saying yes.

The problem is that eventually a person can get so busy taking care of everyone else that he starts running on empty.

Imagine a cup of water.

If you keep pouring from it all day, eventually there's not much left. And when someone asks for another drink, it's not that you don't care. It's that there's almost nothing left to give.

I think that's where you are.

What struck me most in your letter is that you're not worried about yourself. You're worried about your wife and kids.

You realize they're getting whatever energy is left over.

That tells me your heart is still in the right place.

The fact that this bothers you is actually a good sign.

Pirkei Avos says:

אִם אֵין אֲנִי לִי מִי לִי

"If I am not for myself, who will be for me?" (Avos 1:14)

A person cannot spend his whole life pouring into everybody else's cup and never refill his own.

So maybe the question isn't, "How do I help more people?"

Maybe the question is, "How do I make sure there's enough left for the people who need me most?"

You don't need to stop caring about people.

You just need to stop acting like you have no limits.

Hashem should give you the wisdom to know when to say yes, when to say not now, and the strength to be there for your family without feeling like you're carrying the whole world on your shoulders.