Strength of Struggle Q&A #26: “Maybe Something Is Wrong With Me”

Q:

Dear Rabbi,

My wife keeps telling me that I’m emotionally disconnected, not communicative enough, and not socially normal. Honestly, after hearing it enough times, I started wondering if maybe something is actually wrong with me.

I know I’m quieter and more internal by nature. I’m not the type to sit and talk about feelings for hours. But lately it feels like no matter what I do, I keep disappointing her.

Part of me wants to grow and become better for the marriage. But part of me feels exhausted trying to become someone I’m not.

How do I know the difference between healthy growth and losing yourself?

— Avi

---

A:

Dear Avi,

First, you don’t sound like a bad husband to me.

You sound like someone who’s trying hard and slowly started believing the worst about himself.

There’s a very big difference between being a bad person and not fully understanding your wife’s emotional needs. A lot of men confuse the two.

When a wife repeatedly says things like, “You’re disconnected,” or “You don’t communicate,” eventually the husband stops hearing it as feedback and starts hearing it as:
“There’s something wrong with me.”

That’s dangerous and not fair to you.

Now, that doesn’t mean your wife’s feelings aren’t real. They probably are.

Some people have a very deep need to feel emotionally connected, heard, reassured, and understood. Especially people who may have grown up without enough emotional safety or validation. For them, emotional presence is not extra. It feels essential. So when they don’t feel it, they experience real pain and distance.

But her frustration does not automatically define who you are. That’s the part I think you need to separate.

You can need growth without being broken.

The Torah says, “A man shall cling to his wife” (Bereishis 2:24). A husband and wife are supposed to build closeness and connection together. That means part of marriage is learning how the other person experiences love and connection, not just expressing it the way that comes naturally to you.

At the same time, growth does not mean turning yourself into somebody else.

If you’re naturally quieter, more reserved, or less socially expressive, you do not need to become the loudest emotional person in the room. That’s not healthy or sustainable. And usually people can feel when someone is forcing a personality that isn’t really them.

The goal is not to become fake. The goal is to become more aware.

There’s also another thing I noticed in what you wrote. You seem to be very “all or nothing” with yourself.

If you’re not meeting every emotional need perfectly, then in your mind you’re failing completely.

But marriages usually don’t improve through one giant breakthrough moment. They improve through small consistent shifts.

A husband listening for five extra minutes instead of shutting down.

A wife feeling heard instead of immediately argued with.

Someone saying, “I hear why that bothered you,” instead of becoming defensive.

Those moments matter much more than people realize, and they add up.

Also, often the biggest shift in a marriage happens when the couple stops seeing each other as the enemy and starts seeing the problem as the enemy.

Not “me versus you.”

“We are on the same team trying to figure this out together.”

That change alone lowers a huge amount of tension.

You should merit to have true shalom bayis and grow in your connection to your wife.