Strength of Struggle Q&A #23: Divorce, Guilt, and the Weight of What People Think

Q:

Dear Rabbi,

I’m going through a divorce and it’s bringing up a lot of feelings.

I keep thinking about what people are saying or might be saying. There’s a lot of pressure and I feel judged, even if no one is saying anything directly.

On top of that, I feel guilty about the divorce itself, like maybe I failed or could have done more.

And what bothers me the most is my kids. I’m worried how this is going to affect them long term.

It’s all sitting on me at once and I don’t know how to deal with it.

— Rochel

---

A:

Dear Rochel,

I hear how heavy this is. And it makes sense that it feels like everything is coming at you at once. This is not just one struggle. It’s a few different ones all sitting together.

So let’s separate them, because each one needs a different kind of clarity.

First, what people think.

People talk. Sometimes they know the story, but most of the time they don’t. Either way, you don’t get to control that. No one on the outside really knows what a marriage looked like from the inside. The decisions you made came from a place they do not see.

So if you measure yourself by their understanding, you will always feel off, because they are working with partial information.

The job here is quiet. To keep coming back to one question:
Am I acting honestly and responsibly right now?

Not perfectly. Honestly.

Second, the guilt.

Guilt is tricky, because sometimes it is telling you something real, and sometimes it is simply weighing you down.

You made decisions with the understanding, tools, and strength you had at the time. Looking back now with more clarity does not automatically make the past a failure. Sometimes it just means you have grown.

And if there are specific things you would do differently today, take that as guidance for the future, not as something to punish yourself with.

And third, your children.

This is the deepest part of what you are carrying.

Children are affected by divorce. There is no point pretending otherwise.

But they are not only affected by the fact of divorce. They are shaped every day by what they continue to experience. If they feel stability from you, if they feel that you are present, emotionally available, and not collapsing under the weight of everything, that has a powerful impact.

The Rambam in Hilchos De’os 1:7 says that a person is shaped by their environment. Children especially.
You are a major part of that environment.

Which means that even now, in a difficult situation, you still have a strong influence on what they absorb.
Not by being perfect. By being steady, present, and real.

Right now, you are trying to carry everything at once. What people think, what happened, and what will be.

That is too much for one moment.

So narrow it.

What matters right now is not the full picture. It is the next step.

Act with integrity.
Show up for your children.

And deal with what is in front of you, not everything at once.

You are not the only one who has gone through this. And you are not the only one who has come out of it stronger and more grounded.

Right now it may feel like everything is breaking.

But this can also be a place where a person begins to rebuild in a more honest and real way.
Take it one step at a time.

Hashem should give you tremendous strength and resilience through this difficult time, and you should see tremendous nachas from your children.