Strength of Struggle Q&A #22: I’m More Observant Than My Wife. Now What?

Q:

Dear Rabbi,

I’ve been married for about two years, and I’m struggling.
I’m more observant than my wife. No matter what I say or try, she just isn’t interested in being on the same level. It makes me uncomfortable. I feel stuck.

Lately I keep thinking about divorce. I don’t know what to do.

- Avi

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A:

Dear Avi,

I hear how frustrating this is for you. Living in the same home with someone who doesn’t share your level of commitment can feel lonely and confusing.

I also want to be honest with you. I can’t tell you whether to stay or leave. That depends on details I don’t have, and it’s not something that can be answered properly in a short conversation. But there is one piece here that is very clear.
You cannot change her.

Not by explaining more, not by being more committed, and not by trying to convince her that your way is right. Even if you are right, that doesn’t create change. In many cases it creates distance. When someone feels that they are being evaluated or pulled in a direction they are not choosing, they usually move further away, not closer.

Instead of asking what you’re going to do about her, the question becomes what you’re going to do with yourself inside this relationship.

Let me ask you something. Why did you marry her?

There was a reason. There were things you saw in her that mattered to you. There were qualities that made you choose to build a life with her. Right now, a lot of your attention is on what is missing. That’s understandable, but it also changes the entire tone of the relationship. When a person feels that they are constantly falling short in your eyes, it becomes very hard for them to feel close to you.

So a more helpful place to focus right now is where you do meet. What do you appreciate about her? Where do you connect? What made you say yes in the first place? And not just thinking about it quietly, but actually expressing it to her in a real way. Not as a strategy to change her, but as a way of rebuilding a healthier connection between you.

Will that lead to her changing? There’s no guarantee. But it changes the atmosphere. And right now, the atmosphere between you matters more than any argument about levels.

Marriage is not about finding someone who mirrors you perfectly. It’s about learning how to build a life with someone who doesn’t.

Hashem should help you create open lines of communication, patience, and understanding, bringing to shalom bayis and building a bayis ne’eman b’Yisrael .