Strength of Struggle Q&A #21: I Don’t Feel “The One” — Is Something Wrong?

Q:

Dear Rabbi,

I’ve been dating someone who checks almost all the boxes. Shared values, communication, similar background. Objectively, it makes sense. But I’m stuck. I keep waiting for that spark, that feeling, that moment of “this is it.” One day I lean toward yes, the next I doubt. What if I don’t feel “the one”? Does that mean she isn’t?

- Shimon

A:

Dear Shimon,

This struggle is very real in today’s world. Modern culture and media suggest that love is a spark that must appear early. In Torah, marriage is built differently. First come shared values and commitment, and love deepens through the journey. It’s not love then marriage. It’s marriage, and love grows from that.

Our Rabbis teach that a home is built on shared hashkafot, philosophies. In some communities, dating is brief because the focus is on whether you can build a Torah home together. It’s not about chasing a feeling. It’s about whether you can grow together.

Right now you might be waiting for that feeling, but feelings change. When you marry, you become a giver. You change as you build something bigger than yourself. In fact, halacha teaches that a person should not lead the tefillah on the Yamim Nora’im, the High Holidays, unless he has a family, because being in a relationship changes who you are.

So ask yourself: Do we share the values to build a Torah home? Do we communicate well? If the foundation is there, the connection can grow through real life together. If something essential is missing, clarity will come. But trust the process. Do not judge a lifelong journey by whether it feels like a movie scene now.

There still needs to be respect, comfort, and a natural connection. But the deep love people imagine at the beginning is usually something that grows after the marriage is built.

You are not looking for a spark. You are building a flame.

May Hashem give you the clarity to build something lasting and the reassurance that the deepest feelings often come from what you create together.

You should merit to find your bashert and build a bayis ne’eman b’Yisrael, a faithful Jewish home.