Strength of Struggle Q&A #2: “I keep getting bothered by the smallest things”

Q:

Dear Rabbi,

When my wife does things that bother me — like being too loud — I get irritated. I don’t want to snap, but I also don’t know how to control my emotions.

What should I do?

— Yoni

A:

Dear Yoni,

First, know this: it’s normal to get triggered sometimes in marriage. You’re not a bad husband for feeling frustration. The question is how to respond in a way that builds peace instead of conflict.

Shlomo HaMelech teaches: “טוֹב אֶרֶךְ אַפַּיִם מִגִּבּוֹר, וּמֹשֵׁל בְּרוּחוֹ מִלֹּכֵד עִיר” “Better to be slow to anger than a mighty warrior; one who rules his spirit is greater than one who conquers a city. (Mishlei 16:32)

That means the real battlefield is not your wife’s volume — it’s inside of you.

The Ramban , in his famous Iggeres HaRamban , advises: “ תַּעֲשֶׂה כָּל דְּבָרֶיךָ בְּנַחַת ” “Do all things calmly.” Even when emotions rise, the mitzvah is to slow down and respond with patience.

Here’s a simple CBT approach:

Notice the Trigger: “Her voice is loud. I feel irritation.”

Name the Emotion: “I’m frustrated, maybe overwhelmed.”

Challenge the Thought: “Is she trying to hurt me? Or is she simply being expressive?”

Choose the Response: Instead of snapping, breathe, and later share calmly: “When things get loud, I feel stressed. Could we try to find quieter moments together?”

It’s always a good practice to take one deep breath before responding. This gives you a moment of control.

Remember: Shabbos brings us menuchah not because the world stops, but because we learn to pause inside ourselves (see CBT ToolTalk #39). The same is true here: you may not be able to change your wife’s volume, but you can bring menuchah to your own response.

You are stronger than you realize. By practicing patience and communication, not only will you grow, but your marriage will become gentler and more connected. With blessing and encouragement,