Strength of Struggle Q&A #17: When Growth Starts to Feel Like Pressure

Q:

Dear Rabbi,

As Purim approaches I feel overwhelmed. It’s nearing the end of the zman (yeshiva semester) and I keep thinking I’ve been working on myself, but I still haven’t changed.

I should have changed more, accepted more, let go more, worked harder, sat with my feelings more. If I didn’t, I feel like I wasted my time.

How do I deal with this constant pressure to change and not feel overwhelmed?

– Yosef

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A:

Dear Yosef,

First, slow down.

The voice telling you that if you did not transform by now you failed is not the voice of growth. It is the voice of pressure.

You are turning the end of the zman into a courtroom. You are standing as both prosecutor and judge. If I changed enough, I am innocent. If not, I am guilty.

That is not how avodas Hashem, service of Hashem works.

The Megillah itself states, “קיימו וקיבלו היהודים ”

“The Jews confirmed and accepted” (Esther 9:27).

The Gemara explains that at Purim they reaccepted the Torah willingly (Shabbos 88a). Not out of fear. Not under a mountain. Not under threat. Willingly.

Real growth happens when it is accepted calmly, not forced under pressure.

There is another subtle mistake happening in your thinking. You are trying to change everything at once.

Accept more. Let go more. Work harder. Sit with feelings. Keep the end result in mind.

That is not growth. That is overload.

The yetzer hara, the evil inclination sometimes pushes a person toward perfectionism because it knows overwhelm leads to paralysis. If you try to fix everything, you end up fixing nothing.

You are not responsible for becoming a different person by Purim. You are responsible for one honest step.

When the thought comes, “I wasted my time,” answer it with truth.

Did I take even one small uncomfortable step this zman?

Did I try in one area?

Did I show up at least once when it was hard?

If the answer is yes, then you were in progress.

On Purim we read Megillas Esther. Our rabbis point out that “Esther” shares a root with “hester,” hidden. Because our salvation was hidden inside what looked like natural events. That is the lesson for us as well. Our growth may seem small. It may feel like just part of a normal progression. But it is real growth.

Growth is usually a hidden process.

Have a freilichen Purim.