Strength of Struggle Q&A #16: When Your Sister Gets What You Wanted

Q:

Dear Rabbi,

Basically, I’m not a very academic person. I struggled a lot in high school and even seminary.

I really wanted to go to an out of town dormitory seminary, but I didn’t get accepted because of my grades. I pushed and fought to get into an in town dormitory program, but even then I didn’t have the experience I wanted.

Now my younger sister, who is very academic, is in an out of town dormitory seminary, and I’m feeling jealous. It’s really hard for me.

How can I feel better about it and forget about the jealousy?

– Naomi

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A:

Dear Naomi,

First, thank you for saying this out loud. Jealousy feels ugly, but most people feel it. They just don’t admit it.

What you’re describing is not only jealousy. It is also grief. You are not just reacting to your sister’s opportunity. You are reacting to your own old disappointment.

Strong emotions are usually about meaning, not just events. Your sister going away to seminary is the event. The meaning underneath might be, “She got what I didn’t,” or “She’s more capable than me,” or even, “Maybe I wasn’t enough.” That is what really hurts.

The mind compares quickly. It measures and ranks. But comparison is rarely fair. You are comparing her chapter now to your chapter then. You are comparing her strengths to your struggles.

The Talmud teaches, “אין אדם נוגע במוכן לחברו אפילו כמלא נימא”

“No person can touch what is prepared for another, even by a hair’s breadth” (Yoma 38b).

What is meant for her was never meant for you. And what is meant for you can never be taken by someone else.

That does not erase the disappointment, but it reframes it.

You were given a different path, different tools, and different challenges.

The Arizal teaches that every person comes into this world with a tailor-made mission. You were brought here to accomplish something uniquely yours, and your sister was brought here for something uniquely hers.

Your worth is not measured by academic success. It is measured by how you live your mission.

Now practically. You do not forget jealousy. You understand it.

Next time it rises, try this:

1. Name it honestly. “I’m feeling jealous because I wanted that.”

2. Separate her story from yours. Her success is not proof of your failure.

3. Identify one strength that is uniquely yours. Not academic. Yours.

4. Turn the energy outward. Daven for her to succeed. That softens the comparison.

Jealousy often hides a longing. Ask yourself gently: What did I really want? Independence? Validation? Growth? Those can still be built in your own way.

Your path was not a mistake. And sometimes the struggle itself becomes the strength.

You are not behind. You are different. And different does not mean less.

Wishing you much success and peace of mind.