Strength of Struggle Q&A #10: Why Do I Need So Much Reassurance?

Q:
Dear Rabbi, I find myself constantly asking for reassurance. I ask my husband if things are okay, if I did the right thing or if I handled something properly. He gets upset and tells me that I don’t always have to ask and that he trusts my judgment.

I understand what he is saying, but in the moment I feel unsettled until I hear “It’s ok.” If I don’t ask, my mind starts filling in the blanks. I get anxious, start doubting myself and second-guessing things. I don’t know what to do.
— Chana

A:
Thank you for writing so honestly. What you are describing is very common, especially for thoughtful and responsible people.

Reassurance seeking usually does not come from a lack of intelligence or emunah. It comes from an inner feeling of uncertainty. When that uncertainty is loud, the mind looks for something outside to quiet it. A kind word or confirmation gives relief, but the relief does not last, so the question returns.

Your husband is not saying “do not talk to me.” He is saying “I trust you.” That is actually a gift. The challenge is learning how to let that trust live inside you, not only outside you.

Before asking for reassurance, pause and ask: “What am I really afraid of right now?” Then try answering yourself the way you would answer a close friend. Not perfectly. Just gently.

Each time you tolerate a bit of uncertainty without immediately checking, you strengthen that muscle.

You are not asking because you are needy. You are asking because you care deeply and want to do things right. With time and patience, that care can turn into quiet confidence.

May Hashem help you feel more settled inside yourself, and may your questions slowly turn into trust.