CBT ToolTalk #71: The Avoidance Tax

Someone avoids making a phone call.

It's not necessarily even such a scary phone call. He needs to clarify something important, and he knew exactly who to call. But for three weeks he keeps pushing it off. Every day he thought about it. Every day he felt guilty. Every day he imagined the conversation going badly.

Finally he made the call.

It lasted four minutes.

The person on the other end was perfectly fine, answered his questions, and that was it.
Afterward he laughed and thought to himself, "I can't believe I tortured myself for three weeks over four minutes."

I think we've all done this.

We avoid opening the bank statement, making the appointment, checking the results, answering the message, apologizing, or having the uncomfortable conversation. And the strange thing is that avoidance really does work at first. For a few minutes, you feel relief. You don't have to face it right now. You can tell yourself you'll deal with it tomorrow.
But tomorrow comes, and the problem is still there.

Now something else is there too. The guilt is there. The dread is there. The mental noise is there. You think about it while driving, during davening, while trying to fall asleep. The phone call may only take five minutes, but avoiding it takes up space in your head for weeks.
That's what is really happening.

The mind learns very quickly: "When I avoid, I feel better."

So the next time something uncomfortable comes up, the mind pushes even harder to avoid it. It feels like it's protecting you. But very often, it's not protecting you from danger. It's protecting you from discomfort.

And discomfort is not always dangerous.

A difficult conversation is uncomfortable. Opening a bill can be uncomfortable. Making a mistake is uncomfortable. Hearing the truth can be uncomfortable. But when we avoid discomfort, we often create a much heavier kind of suffering.

The original problem may be small, the avoidance makes it bigger.

It says in Mishlei:

"אָמַר עָצֵל שַׁחַל בַּדָּרֶךְ אֲרִי בֵּין הָרְחֹבוֹת"

"The lazy person says, 'There is a lion on the road, a lion among the streets.'" (Mishlei 26:13)

Shlomo Hamelech was making fun of the lazy man because the lion isn't really there.

But maybe the lion was real to him.

The person has a reason. A good reason. There is a lion outside. It feels dangerous. It feels overwhelming. It feels like this will go badly.

Maybe there really is some discomfort there. Maybe there is even a real problem to deal with.

And the "lion" becomes much bigger in our minds than it is in real life.

Maybe the lion is the enormity of the work ahead.

The Ramchal writes in Mesillas Yesharim that one of the things that destroys zerizus, enthusiasm is "שנאת הטורח", the hatred of exertion. A person doesn't only avoid things because he is bad or irresponsible. Sometimes he avoids because he doesn't want to feel the heaviness of dealing with it. He doesn't want the uncomfortable moment.

or maybe it's fear. Whether it be rejection, failure or something else.

Whatever it may be, avoidance becomes expensive.

Because the effort you avoid today often comes back with interest tomorrow.

A person says, "I'll make the call when I'm calmer." "I'll deal with the bill when I have more headspace." "I'll apologize when it feels easier." "I'll start when things settle down."

But the calm usually doesn't come. In fact, the weight of delaying makes it even harder to find, and is often what stole the calm in the first place.

🛠 Getting Practical:

This week, think of one thing you've been avoiding.

Not the biggest thing in your life.

Just one thing.

A message, a phone call, an appointment, a form, a conversation.

Then ask yourself honestly:

How long would this actually take if I did it?

And how much time have I already spent avoiding it?

And how much better do I usually feel once I've finally dealt with it?

If the thing itself would take five minutes, and you've spent three weeks holding onto it in your head, that tells you something.

You don't have to solve your whole life this week.

Just choose one small thing and pay the cost once instead of paying the tax every day.

Bottom Line:

Avoidance feels like relief in the moment.

But very often, it becomes a problem that follows you around.

Sometimes the healthiest thing a person can do is stop waiting until it feels easy and take one small step while it still feels uncomfortable.