CBT ToolTalk #70: What If Nothing Is Wrong With You?

I was sitting with someone today who was frustrated with himself and stuck. A certain event at work was dragging him down until he called me to help.

He then went into his recurring thoughts.

He kept comparing himself to other people. Other people seemed more successful. More confident. More productive. They seemed to know how to talk to people. They seemed to move through life more easily.
Meanwhile, he felt stuck.

He kept telling me all the things he should be doing.

He should be making more money.
He should be a better teacher.
He should be further along.
He should have figured this out by now.

After listening for a while, I asked him: What would you tell somebody who had a similar upbringing and baggage, similar emotional struggles, and similar challenges to yours?

Would you tell him he's a failure?
Would you tell him he's bad?
Would you tell him something is wrong with him?

He immediately said no.

He'd tell him he was doing the best he could. He'd tell him that life had been difficult. He'd tell him that he was tired and overwhelmed. That it made sense that he did what he did. In fact, he should feel good about himself that he handled it the way he did.

Then I asked him:

Why are you speaking to yourself differently?

We spend so much of our lives comparing ourselves to people whose story we don't know, without comparing our baggage to theirs.

We compare our accomplishments to theirs without comparing our challenges to theirs.

We compare our insides to their outsides.

And then we become convinced that something must be wrong with us.

But what if nothing is wrong with you?

What if you're simply a human being trying to navigate life with the tools, experiences, strengths, and limitations you've been given?

Maybe you're struggling with anxiety, or you're disorganized, or you have ADHD and feel overwhelmed.

Maybe you keep comparing yourself to everyone around you.

Menuchas hanefesh, peace of mind, begins when a person stops fighting the fact that this is his life and begins accepting it.

This is my life right now. These are the strengths I have, these are my struggles, and these are the circumstances Hashem has given me to work with. I may not like all of it. I may want some of it to change. But this is where I am right now.

Once a person can honestly say that, something starts to relax inside.

Because he's no longer carrying the extra burden of constantly arguing with reality. That acceptance allows him to stop seeing himself as a failure or feeling like there is something wrong with him. He can begin to recognize that he's okay and that he's doing the best he can.

🛠 Getting Practical:

This week, notice one area of your life where you keep saying:
"I should be different."
Then try replacing it with:
"This is where I am right now."

Don't stop there.

Ask yourself:
"Given that this is where I am, what would be the healthiest next step?"

Acceptance isn't the end of growth.
It's usually where growth begins.

Bottom Line:

Sometimes the biggest source of suffering isn't the challenge itself.

It's the belief that the challenge means something is wrong with you.

Acceptance of where you are, and of your limitations, is often the beginning of menuchas hanefesh.