CBT ToolTalk #68: Sometimes You Have To Move Before You Feel Ready

I usually avoid these references, but this one is too on target to ignore.

There was this character called Stuart Smalley who would always start his skit with:
“I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggone it, people like me.”

It was funny because everybody understood how silly it was.
He didn’t actually believe it.

And last week we spoke about that idea. How with self-talk, fake words usually do not work. A person can keep repeating things to himself, but if he doesn’t believe it, the mind pushes back.

But behavior works very differently.

I have a client now who has been driving himself nuts for the past two months over which school he should attend. There’s a prestigious university everyone gets impressed by, and then there’s the less known school which honestly fits him much better. Better education for what he needs. Better support. Better for his personality and technical direction.

Deep down he already knows which school is probably the smarter choice.

But emotionally he wants to WANT the prestigious one less first.

Every session keeps circling the same point.

“I’m davening that Hashem should make me feel inspired to choose the right school.”
“I want to feel peaceful with it first.”
“I want to WANT the right thing.”

Meanwhile he has barely even started applying to the school that actually makes more sense for him.

And I finally told him: Life usually does not work that way.

People think:
First I’ll feel ready.
Then I’ll move.

But many times the movement comes first. Then the feelings slowly begin catching up afterward.

Right now he keeps focusing on the school he WANTS while avoiding the school that is probably actually right for him. So of course emotionally he still feels more connected to the wrong choice. He keeps mentally living there.

But if he starts visiting the other school, applying there, speaking to students there, imagining himself there, building a future there, emotionally something begins changing.

And honestly, you see it all through life.

A person waits to feel motivated before exercising.
Waits to feel emotionally connected before investing in marriage again.
Waits to feel confident before trying.
Waits to feel calm before making difficult phone calls.
Waits to feel inspired before learning.

And meanwhile life quietly stays stuck.

One of the biggest ideas in CBT is that action often creates feeling. Motion creates emotion.

Not always.

But much more than people realize.

The Sefer HaChinuch writes:
"אחרי הפעולות נמשכים הלבבות"
“The heart is drawn after actions.” (Sefer HaChinuch, Mitzvah 16)

That basically sums it all up.

The heart follows the action.

Not the other way around.

A person does not always begin with inspiration. Sometimes he begins with movement.

You even see this at celebrations.

A person doesn’t want to go.

His wife says:
“Come already. We said we’re going.”

He goes annoyed. Then an hour later he’s talking, reconnecting, laughing.

Nothing magical happened.

He just moved first.

Or a person sits scrolling on his phone for an hour because he feels overwhelmed and emotionally frozen. He keeps waiting to suddenly feel motivated enough to start fixing things.

But the motivation usually only begins AFTER movement.
Not before it.

Now obviously this does not mean a person should ignore exhaustion forever and just force himself endlessly. Some people genuinely need rest.

It’s more about making small movements even before all the feelings are there yet. And sometimes once a person starts moving, he can finally begin understanding what was keeping him stuck in the first place.

Because feelings are unstable.

Some mornings a person wakes up hopeful.
Some mornings anxious.
Some mornings heavy for no clear reason.

If action fully depends on emotion, life becomes very unstable very quickly.

That’s part of why Judaism puts such enormous emphasis on action.

🛠 Getting Practical:

This week, think of one area that you’ve been stuck.

Stop waiting to fully feel ready before taking one small healthy action.

Something small.

Apply for the school.
Answer the message.
Take the walk.
Learn for ten minutes.
Make the phone call.
Do one small act of warmth for your spouse even if you don’t fully feel there yet.

Because many times the feeling people are waiting for only starts appearing AFTER they begin moving.

Bottom line:

With thoughts, honesty usually comes first.

But with behavior, many times movement comes first.

And only afterward does the heart slowly begin catching up.