CBT ToolTalk #67: The Voice You Eventually Believe

Most people think words are powerful because of the words themselves.

But that’s usually not true.

The truth is, words by themselves are not usually what change people.

Before he became the Kotzker Rebbe, Rabbi Menachem Mendel of Kotzk lived in terrible poverty while learning by his Rebbe, Rabbi Simcha Bunim of Peshischa. A fellow chassid, Reb Feivel of Gritza, once suggested that he approach a wealthy woman known for supporting Torah scholars.

When the Kotzker heard the suggestion, he reacted with complete disgust:

“Money?! Feh!”

That one outburst affected Reb Feivel so deeply that for weeks afterward, whenever he heard the word “money,” he physically felt sick.

Why?

Because the words were real.

They came from a place so emotionally genuine that they penetrated another human being.

And the same thing happens in our own minds.

People constantly speak to themselves all day long:

“I’m worthless.”
“I always fail.”
“I’m lazy.”
“I’ll never change.”

Eventually those words stop sounding like thoughts and start sounding like truth.

Not because they’re objectively true, but because repetition combined with emotion creates belief.

That’s one of the reasons negative self-talk becomes so powerful. The words are often repeated during moments of shame, frustration, fear, or disappointment. Over time, the brain stops questioning them.

And this doesn’t only affect the way we speak to ourselves.

It affects the way we speak to others too.

Sometimes somebody asks:
“How are you?”

And the automatic response is:
“I’m fine.”

But you’re not fine.

Now obviously, you don’t need to tell every person your life story. You’re allowed to say:
“I don’t really want to talk about it.”

But when a person constantly says things that are emotionally untrue, something begins happening internally. You slowly train yourself to disconnect from your own honest experience.

Your inner voice becomes less trustworthy.

And that damages relationships also, because real connection can only happen where there’s some level of honesty.

Rabbi Shlomo Riskin often retold a story about a student in the Radin Yeshiva who had been caught smoking on Shabbos. The yeshiva wanted to expel him immediately, but instead the Chofetz Chaim asked that the boy be brought to his home.

Once, after Rabbi Riskin told the story publicly, an elderly man reportedly approached him and revealed that he himself had been that student.

The man described how terrified he was walking into the Chofetz Chaim’s house. He expected anger and punishment.
Instead, the Chofetz Chaim gently took the boy’s hand into his own, closed his eyes, and quietly wept.

Then he whispered:
“Shabbos… Hailiger Shabbos…”

That was all.

No lecture. No screaming. No humiliation.

The man later recalled that the tears which fell onto his hand felt like they burned into him forever. He said the experience stayed with him for the rest of his life, and he never violated Shabbos again.

Why did those few words change him so deeply?

Because they were emotionally true.

There was no performance in them. No manipulation. No fake inspiration.

Just real pain. Real love. Real connection.

And that’s something important to understand psychologically also.

People often say:
“Fake it till you make it.”

And in some areas, that’s true.

With actions, behavior often comes before emotion. A person may not feel confident yet, but acting confidently can slowly build confidence. A person may not feel motivated, but taking action can create momentum.

But words work differently.

If self-talk feels fake, exaggerated, or emotionally dishonest, the brain often rejects it.

That’s why fake affirmations usually don’t last.

A person says:
“I’m amazing.”
“I’m perfectly okay.”
“I’m completely confident.”

But internally, something says:
“No you’re not.”

CBT does not teach people to lie to themselves.

It teaches people to speak to themselves honestly and constructively.

Instead of:
“I’m a failure.”
A person learns:
“I’m struggling right now, but that doesn’t define me.”

Instead of:
“I ruin everything.”
Maybe:
“I made a mistake. I can still respond differently.”
because the brain can actually accept it.

🛠 Getting Practical:

This week, pay attention to the way you speak both to yourself and to others.

Notice how often you automatically say things that aren’t really true.

Then ask yourself:

• “What would a more honest and healthier sentence sound like?”

Not dramatic.
Not fake positivity.
Just emotionally honest.

Maybe instead of:
“I’m fine.”
Try:

• “It’s been a hard day.”

Instead of:
“I’m hopeless.”
Maybe:

• “I’m struggling, but I’m trying.”

Over time, those emotionally honest words begin shaping the voice you actually believe.

Bottom line:

The words we repeat eventually become the voice we trust.

מָוֶת וְחַיִּים בְּיַד לָשׁוֹן

“Death and life are in the power of the tongue.” (Mishlei 18:21)

Choose them carefully.