CBT ToolTalk #49: “Why Do I Feel Like I Can’t Be Myself Around People?”

A lot of people walk around with a quiet, heavy feeling that they cannot show their real self to others.

In shul, at simchos, around neighbors, even with friends, there is this pressure to act a certain way, sound a certain way, or hide anything that might make you look weak or different.

It is exhausting.

And for many people, this is the root of their social anxiety.

The fear is not really about people.

The fear is about being seen.

Staying Safe

A “safety behavior” is when someone feels the need to wear a mask and pretend in social situations.

It means acting a certain way to prevent imagined rejection.

For example:

• Smiling even when you feel uncomfortable
• Hiding your real opinion
• Rehearsing everything you say
• Pretending things do not bother you
• Overthinking how others might judge you

These behaviors make anxiety stronger.

The brain never gets evidence that being yourself is safe.

So the cycle continues.

Why the Fear Feels So Real

Your brain learned somewhere along the way that being seen is risky — maybe from childhood experiences, school, family dynamics, or past friendships.

So the brain says, “If I hide, I won’t get hurt.”

But hiding comes with a price:

You lose the ability to feel connected.
You stop trusting yourself.
And you walk around feeling like a visitor in your own life.

🛠️ Getting Practical: A Step That Changes Everything

The Meshech Chochmah explains regarding korbonos (offerings) that the Torah says “אָדָם כִּי־יַקְרִיב” “A man should offer of himself” (Vayikra 1:2)

He teaches that are accepted only when a person brings himself, not a performance.

Hashem rejects masks.

He wants honesty.

Instead of trying to be fully authentic overnight, choose one tiny act of honesty.

Examples:

• If you always laugh along, let yourself stay quiet.
• If you normally hide a preference, share it gently.
• If you usually say “everything is fine,” try “it was a long day.”
• If you feel nervous, allow yourself to acknowledge it inside instead of fighting it.

These micro-moments teach the brain:

“I can be real, and the world does not collapse.”

Slow, small changes break big fears.

A Final Thought

"הִבִּיטוּ אֵלָיו וְנָהָרוּ וּפְנֵיהֶם אַל־יֶחְפָּרוּ"

"They looked to Him and became radiant, and their faces were not ashamed." (Tehillim 34:6)

Radak explains that looking to Hashem brings confidence because you no longer look to people for approval.

Look to Hashem for help. Connect to Him. Talk to Him. Ask Him to help you.

May Hashem give you menuchas hanefesh when you are around others and help you feel at ease to show your true self.