CBT ToolTalk #35: I’m So Numb — When You Can’t Feel Sad (Even During the 9 Days)

The 9 Days are meant to awaken a sense of national mourning. But many people feel… nothing.

No tears. No emotional reaction. No connection.

Just numbness.

If you’ve asked yourself:

“Why don’t I feel anything when I hear Eicha?”

“Why do I feel disconnected from the sadness around me?”

“Does this mean something is wrong with me spiritually?”

You’re not alone - and you’re not broken.

What Is Emotional Numbness?

In CBT, emotional numbness refers to a lack of access to feelings - especially sadness or fear.

It’s often the result of:

Ongoing stress or trauma

Emotional overload

Subconscious defense mechanisms (“If I feel, it’ll be too much”)

This state is not laziness or apathy. It’s usually a way your nervous system protects you from overwhelm.

“וַיְהִי דֹּמֶן יוֹשֵׁב”

“He sits in silence…” (Eicha 3:28)

When Yirmiyahu HaNavi describes the grief over the destruction of the temple, he doesn’t use words like cryed, weeped, screemed. Not running or kicking. Just sitting in silence without any expression or movement. Perhaps the navi is referring to such pain that one can only “sit in silence. That’s emotional numbness. Sort of like a emotional paralysis.

“וַהֲסִרֹתִי אֶת לֵב הָאֶבֶן... וְנָתַתִּי לָכֶם לֵב בָּשָׂר”

“I will remove the heart of stone... and give you a heart of flesh.” (Yechezkel 36:26)

Sometimes, the heart becomes hard and disconnected. The Torah acknowledges this state and promises that even it can be healed.

Whether it’s because of Religious burnout, Feeling spiritually inadequate (“I should feel something by now”), Past unresolved pain or Fear of emotional release (“If I open up, I’ll break down”)

Some may feel guilt over their numbness, believing that lack of feeling reflects lack of emunah or sensitivity. But that’s a mistaken view. Even the prophets experienced emotional shutdown. Hashem doesn’t expect constant emotion - He values sincerity, even in small steps.

The Netivos Shalom teaches (Parshas Bo, s.v. "HaChodesh Hazeh Lachem"):

“הַרָּצוֹן לַדָּבָר גָּדוֹל מֵהַדָּבָר עַצְמוֹ.”

“The desire for a thing is greater than the thing itself.”

In Chassidus, ratzon (desire) is the deepest part of the soul. Even when a person cannot cry, cannot feel connected, but they want to - that yearning reaches higher than the experience itself.

The Slonimer Rebbe explains that this is because ratzon reflects the essence of the neshama, which is always rooted in Hashem.

So if all you can say is:

“I wish I could feel something.”

“I wish I could cry during Eicha.”

“I miss the part of me that used to feel more…”

Then you are already doing something right, and very powerful.

You’re not outside the experience of the Nine Days - you are right in the center of it.

The Midrash supports this idea:

“פִּתְחוּ לִי פֶּתַח כְּחֻדּוֹ שֶׁל מַחַט, וַאֲנִי פּוֹתֵחַ לָכֶם פֶּתַח כְּפִּתְחוֹ שֶׁל אוּלָם.”

“Open for Me an opening like the eye of a needle, and I will open for you an opening like the entrance to the Ulam (the Temple Hall).”

- Shir HaShirim Rabbah 5:2

A small, honest movement of yearning - even from a place of emotional numbness - is enough to draw Divine closeness. It’s not about how much you feel. It’s about the direction your heart is trying to move in.

Getting Practical: tools to open yourself up this Tisha b’Av

Here are four practical tools to begin reconnecting - with your emotions, with Hashem, and with yourself.

• 1. Acknowledge the Numbness - Without Judgment

Namingan emotional state is the first step to processing it. Even saying “I feel nothing” is an act of awareness.

“אֲנִי הַגֶּבֶר רָאָה עֳנִי... שָׂתַם תְּפִלָּתִי”

“I am the man who has seen affliction… [Hashem] shut out my prayer.” (Eicha 3:1, 8)

Even a navi can feel cut off. Saying, “This is where I am right now” is not a failure - it’s a truthful starting point.

• 2. Talk to Hashem From the Disconnection

You don’t need to feel spiritual to speak to Hashem. Use whatever words come naturally - even “Hashem, I feel far from You. I want to connect, but It’s hard for me to feel it.”

Even when you don’t feel Him, your attempt to reach out matters.

• 3. Choose One Pasuk from Eicha to Read Slowly

You don’t have to connect to the entire book. Find one pasuk that speaks to you and read it slowly, aloud if possible. Pause between words.

Small acts of mourning - even silent - have spiritual weight. One pasuk read with intention can be more meaningful than reading an entire kinah by rote.

(give a few pesukim as examples)

• 4. Do One Small Act of Presence

If emotional access is hard, start with physical grounding. Sit quietly with a candle. Take a short walk. Write one sentence in a journal.

Even basic acts - done with awareness - can serve as spiritual connection points. There is no “one right way” to mourn or reflect.

I was hoping not to have to write this article. B’ezras Hashem we will merit to greet mosiach before the fast day and rejoice in the beis hamikdash with our korban to Hashem as it says (fill in the blank)