CBT ToolTalk #34: Everyone Says I Should Be Grateful… But I’m Still Struggling

We live in a culture, especially in Torah hashkafa (philosophy), where we’re told to “focus on the positive,” “be grateful,” and “look at how much good you have.”

And it’s true.

Gratitude is a mitzvah. It’s the first thing we say in the morning:

מודה אני לפניך... “I thank You, Hashem…”

But what if you say thank You and you don’t feel it?

Have you ever thought:

• “I should be happy. Why do I feel so off?”

• “I know others have it worse, so who am I to complain?”

• “I feel guilty even acknowledging my pain.”

If that’s you, keep reading. You’re not broken. You’re normal.

Gratitude and Pain - Together

The Gemara (Berachos 60b) teaches:

כשם שמברך על הטובה כך מברך על הרעה

“Just as one blesses Hashem for the good, so too for the difficult.”

But that doesn’t mean pretending it feels good.

It means: “Hashem, I trust You through this, even when it hurts.”

Rav Wolbe zt”l writes:

"לכפות על עצמך שמחה כאשר הלב מלא כאב - איננו עבודת ה’ אלא עיוות פנימי. עבודת ה’ האמיתית היא לשאת את הכאב ולהישאר מקושר לקב״ה מתוך כך."

“To force yourself to feel simcha when your heart is in pain is not avodas Hashem. It is a distortion. Real avodah is to carry the pain and remain connected to Hashem through it.”

(Alei Shur, Vol. 1, p. 240)

• CBT Insight: Gratitude ≠ Suppression

When we use gratitude to deny pain, it becomes a weapon.

When we use it to anchor ourselves during pain, it becomes healing.

CBT teaches that pushing away a negative feeling just makes it louder.

The goal is not, “I must be grateful so I don’t feel sad.”

The goal is:

• “I can feel grateful and sad. Both are real. Both are mine.”

• Getting Practical: Gratitude + Grit Journal

Tonight, take 2 minutes to write:

1️⃣ One thing I’m genuinely grateful for today.

2️⃣ One thing I’m struggling with - and I give myself permission to feel it.

3️⃣ A short tefillah: “Thank You for the good, and please help me with the hard.”

This is emotional truth and healthy balance.

Don’t use gratitude to hide pain. Use it to heal.