CBT ToolTalk #33: Stop Being So Sensitive!

The Pain of Emotional Invalidation and Torah Self-Respect

There’s a difference between being “too sensitive” and being truthful to your feelings.

Have you ever shared something painful and heard responses like:

• “You’re overreacting.”

• “You’re so sensitive.”

• “It wasn’t even about you.”

• “Relax. It’s not a big deal.”

Those responses might not even come from someone else - but from the inner critic, that voice in your head (see CBT ToolTalk #1 - 4: The Inner Critic).

These phrases may seem harmless, but they can cut deep.

Not because we’re weak - but because they deny a basic truth of human dignity:

My feelings matter.

Your feelings matter.

When a person invalidates what you’re experiencing - even unintentionally - it can create a quiet storm inside.

You start second-guessing your own reality:

“Maybe I am being dramatic... Maybe it’s just me.”

That confusion is the essence of emotional invalidation - and it’s more common than we realize.

Love Others… and Yourself

The mitzvah of וְאָהַבְתָּ לְרֵעֲךָ כָּמוֹךָ (Vayikra 19:18) - “Love your friend as yourself” - teaches us more than just what to do for others.

It also speaks to how we relate to them - and to ourselves.

Just as you’d want others to listen to you and validate your feelings, you are called to do the same for them - to genuinely acknowledge and honor their emotional experience.

But it works both ways.

Sometimes, we show deep empathy and compassion to others, yet turn harsh and critical when it comes to ourselves.

This pasuk invites a different perspective:

Just as you love your friend - so too, you should love yourself.

The Torah is teaching us to extend the same kindness, respect, and emotional validation inward as we do outward.

And kavod ha’adam (human dignity) isn’t just external respect.

It means treating someone’s inner world as real - even if you don’t fully understand it.

• Invalidation Creates Internal Loops

Psychologically, emotional invalidation plants seeds of chronic self-doubt. 🌱

You begin to distrust your own perception.

Instead of tuning in, you tune out - trying to fit others’ comfort levels.

This is common in families where children often hear:

• “You’re so dramatic.”

• “Stop being so sensitive.”

They grow up minimizing their pain or over-apologizing.

This is the invalidation loop:

Feeling something → getting shut down → shutting yourself down first.

• Tool in Focus: The “Feeling Is Real” Technique

Validate first. Interpret later.

When your feelings - or someone else’s - are questioned, pause.

Say:

• “I may not understand all of it yet… but what I’m feeling is real.”

(or: “What you’re feeling is real.”)

• “It makes sense that I’m upset. Something felt off to me.”

• “This matters because I matter.”

(or: “Because you matter.”)

This doesn’t mean your interpretation is always right - but your feeling is human and valid.

Getting Practical

For yourself:

Name your emotions without judgment:

• “I feel sad.”

• “I feel ignored.”

• “I feel disappointed.”

Don’t rush to explain or dismiss them. First, let them be. 🌱

For others:

When someone shares something emotional, try replying:

• “That sounds really hard.”

• “I hear you.”

• “Thanks for telling me.”

Even if you think they’re misinterpreting - start with validation.

It opens doors for connection, clarity, and growth.

In davening:

Notice when you invalidate your own tefillah (prayers):

• “I didn’t really mean that.”

• “It wasn’t deep.”

• “I didn’t have kavanah (intent) and wasn’t focused.”

Instead, whisper:

“Ribono Shel Olam - this was my heart, as it was today.”

Think about your own invalidation loop. What’s one sentence you can say this week to start breaking it?