CBT ToolTalk #31: The “Should” Trap — Self-Pressure Feels and the Way Out

You’re doing something ordinary - davening, parenting, learning -

and suddenly a voice says:

• “I should be doing more.”

• “I shouldn’t feel so anxious.”

• “I should have figured this out already.”

These “shoulds” sound constructive.

But if you listen closely… they don’t bring you closer to Hashem.

They just make you feel not enough.

These “should” statements are a form of distorted thinking -

they pressure us with rigid expectations, confusing inner criticism for spiritual growth.

It leads to:

• Guilt instead of teshuvah

• Shame instead of self-awareness

• Frustration instead of motivation

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But Don’t I Need to Push Myself?

Yes.

But there’s a difference between pushing yourself from a place of:

• Fear - “Hashem must be disappointed in me…”

vs.

• Love - “Hashem gave me a tafkid (mission) - and He’s helping me grow into it.”

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אל יאמר לו לבעל תשובה: זכור מעשיך הראשונים

One should not say to a sinner, “Remember your earlier deeds.”

(Bava Metzia 58b)

This applies not only to what we say to others - but also to how we speak to ourselves!

That's including those "should've" statements.

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• Chazal tell us about Elisha ben Avuyah - later known as Acher - who fell away from Torah.

Why?

He heard a bas kol (Heavenly voice) proclaim:

שובו בנים שובבים - חוץ מאחר

"Return, My wayward children - except for Acher." (Chagigah 15a)

He gave up.

R’ Tzadok HaKohen explains:

His downfall wasn’t the sin. It was the belief that he couldn’t come back.

שבע יפל צדיק ויקם (Mishlei 24:16)

"A righteous person falls seven times and rises again."

Instead of dwelling on the “should have,” focus on what you can do to pick yourself up. Righteousness is defined by the choice to rise again and return to the right path.

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🛠 Getting Practical:

Next time you hear a “should” in your head:

• Replace:

• “I should be better at this.”

• “I’m working on this - and Hashem is with me in the process.”

• Replace:

• “I shouldn’t feel this way.”

• “These feelings are here… and I can still choose how to respond.”

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• Growth Doesn’t Begin When You Become Perfect

It begins when you stop punishing yourself for not being perfect.

When you remember He’s proud that you’re still showing up.