CBT ToolTalk #28: Social Anxiety & The Stories We Tell Ourselves

😟 Ever find yourself walking into a room — a simcha, a meeting, or even shul — and suddenly your heart starts pounding and your mind fills with worry?

It could even happen in a WhatsApp chat.

Those thoughts start rushing in:

🔁 “What if they’re judging me?”

🔁 “I’m probably going to say something stupid.”

🔁 “I don’t belong here.”

You walk into the room and it feels like hundreds of eyes are looking right at you, judging you.

💭 What’s really going on?

In most cases, it’s not the people that are causing the anxiety. It’s the way we’re thinking about them.

We assume we know what others are thinking, and almost every time, we imagine it’s something negative.

🧠 Mind reading – “They think I’m awkward” or “They noticed how nervous I am”

📉 Catastrophizing – “They probably don’t like me” or “One awkward moment ruined everything”

⚫⚪ All-or-nothing thinking – “If I’m not confident, I’m a total failure”

(See CBT ToolTalk #3 – Conquering Your Inner Critic: Powerful Tools to Shatter Limiting Beliefs)

👤 Let’s take a common scenario:

You’re invited to a Shabbos meal and sit with a group of people you don’t know well.

You say something and nobody really responds. Suddenly you think:

→ “That was stupid”

→ “They probably think I’m annoying”

→ “I shouldn’t have come”

But what really happened?

People were distracted, talking, maybe didn’t hear you.

📍Your brain made it about you.

That’s emotional reasoning – “If I feel embarrassed, it must mean I did something wrong”

(See CBT ToolTalk #23 – The Silent Triggers: Why We React Before We Speak)

But the truth is, we’re just guessing. Most people are too focused on themselves to be analyzing us the way we think.

📖 The mitzvah of dan l’chaf zechus – to judge others favorably – doesn’t just apply when someone says or does something questionable.

It also applies to the assumptions we make about what other people are thinking about us.

This mitzvah isn’t just for the other person. It’s for us.

By giving others the benefit of the doubt that they’re not judging or analyzing us, we can begin to feel more relaxed in social settings.

🚶‍♀ The Avoidance Trap

One of the most common mistakes people make when they feel socially anxious is avoiding the situations that make them uncomfortable.

It might feel easier in the moment to skip the kiddush, sit in the back, or avoid conversation.

But over time, that avoidance trains your brain to associate social situations with danger. The fear grows stronger.

The only way to change that is to take small, doable steps in the opposite direction. Not all at once, but one piece at a time.

🎯 This is called an “exposure ladder” – gradually facing situations that bring up anxiety, starting from the easiest and building up:

➡ Smile at someone in shul

➡ Say “Good Shabbos”

➡ Ask someone a friendly question

➡ Join a group conversation for 1–2 minutes

➡ Sit at a table with people instead of alone

➡ Speak up during a staff or PTA meeting

🔁 Don’t wait until you feel “ready” or “confident.”

Confidence doesn’t come first. The action does.

Small steps help retrain your emotional experience.

📖 “When a person is preoccupied with what others think of them, they become self-conscious and ashamed...

But when they’re involved in their duty and focused on their mission, they are no longer disturbed by others, because they have a higher purpose.

Through this, shame disappears, and they are filled with courage.”

— Sfas Emes, Parshas Vayishlach, 5643

💡 When Hashem summoned Moshe as a messenger for the Jewish people, he responded:

"מִי אָנֹכִי כִּי אֵלֵךְ אֶל פַּרְעֹה?"

“Who am I that I should go to Pharaoh?” (Shemos 3:11)

Hashem didn’t respond with a motivational speech or a list of Moshe’s strengths.

He simply said: "כִּי אֶהְיֶה עִמָּךְ"

“Because I will be with you.” (Shemos 3:12)

If we focus on what our tafkid (mission) is, it can pull us out of fear and into purpose.

🧭 Getting Practical:

Try this next time you’re about to walk into a situation that usually makes you nervous:

Pause and take a slow breath

Remind yourself:

“Hashem put me here. My job isn’t to perform. It’s to show up with kindness and do my tafkid.”

Choose one small action:

✅ Smile at someone

✅ Say “Hi” or “Good Shabbos”

✅ Ask someone how they’re doing

You don’t need to have a deep conversation or be the most confident person in the room.

Just start where you are. Action over time builds new inner patterns.

🧠 You don’t have to be fearless.

You just have to be real.