CBT ToolTalk #24: When Words Work

Part 2 of 3 in our mini-series on communication

In the last post CBT ToolTalk #23 - The Silent Triggers: Why We React Before We Speak, we discussed cognitive distortions. Another major obstacle in communication are emotional filters .

When Hashem created man, the Torah says: וַיְהִי הָאָדָם לְנֶפֶשׁ חַיָּה " And man became a living soul. " (Bereishis 2:7) -

Onkelos translates this as: "לְרוּחַ מְמַלְלָא" - a speaking spirit. Our speech the foundation of our humanity and how we connect to Hashem, ourselves, and others.

Hashem (and usually ourselves) understands the true meaning of what we’re saying. But when it comes to others, our words can sometimes create distance. Misunderstandings, quick reactions, and emotional friction happen even with people we love and trust.

Why?

We don’t just hear others - we filter their words through our emotions. When we’re anxious, guilty, insecure, or feeling unseen, even the gentlest words can sound sharp.

These are called emotional filters. They distort how we interpret and respond.

The Ramban expresses this perfectly in his explanation of the pasuk:

"שְׁמַע בֵּין אֲחֵיכֶם" (Devarim 1:16) - “ Listen between your brothers .”

He writes: "It is proper that you understand from their words what is in their hearts - that you listen to the claim and to the response, and reflect deeply on their words in order to judge righteously."

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Where’s My Shirt?

Rina’s husband came home from Maariv and casually asked,

“Did the laundry get done today?” Rina tensed up.

“Why is he checking up on me? Doesn’t he see how overwhelmed I am?”

She almost snapped - but paused.

She asked herself:

• “What filter am I hearing this through?”

She realized she had been battling inner guilt all day about not being productive.

The question wasn’t hurtful - her own lens was.

She softened and asked,

“Were you looking for your white shirt?”

He nodded - grateful for the calm.

She moved from reactivity to responsiveness.

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🛠 Getting Practical:

• 1. Emotional Inventory Before You Speak:

→ “What feeling am I bringing into this interaction?”

→ “Am I reacting from fear or choosing from clarity?”

• 2. Pause → Breathe → Choose

Practice pausing even for 3 seconds. That space allows you to speak from your neshama, not your ego.

• 3. Anchor Your Words in Emunah (Faith)

"The root of conflict is a flaw in Emunah . One who truly trusts in Hashem has no need to argue or fight - for everything comes from Him. As a result, there’s no anger or aggression."

(Netivot Shalom, Parshas Korach)

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Final Thought:

Words can build homes or burn bridges.

But when we filter our reactions through Emunah and self-awareness, even hard conversations can become holy ones.