CBT ToolTalk #21: Leaving Mitzrayim - Part 2: Freedom from Our Own Insecurities

In the article posted just before Pesach, “Leaving Mitzrayim - A Mental Shift This Pesach,” we explored how freedom means not just leaving Egypt - but also leaving behind emotional patterns that keep us stuck.

In response, Yaakov* reached out and shared that his spouse doesn’t criticize him - yet he still finds himself getting annoyed at her because of his own insecurities.

First of all, kol hakavod (credit to you!). It takes real emotional maturity to recognize that sometimes the battle isn't outside of us - but inside. Recognizing “I’m being triggered” instead of “It’s her fault I feel this way” - is true strength.

________________________________________

What if the real challenge isn’t other people… but the limiting beliefs we carry inside?

________________________________________

Dvora’s Story:

Dvora loved her husband. He was kind, steady, and deeply committed.

But sometimes...

• When he came home late without texting,

• When he forgot to comment on her cooking,

• When he seemed tired and distracted...

A feeling of resentment built up inside of her. Not because he did anything wrong - but because Dvora’s inner voice whispered:

Limiting beliefs like “unimportant,” “invisible,” “small” shaped how she felt.

• The Sfas Emes (Va’eira 5631) teaches: Yetziyas Mitzrayim - Leaving Egypt wasn’t just escaping physical bondage. It was freeing ourselves from kotzer ruach - narrowness of spirit (Shemos 6:9). The stuck mindset that limits our connection to Hashem and ourselves.

Dvora realized: She wasn’t trapped by her husband’s behavior. She was trapped by some old story she’d been telling herself about who she was.

________________________________________

• 1. Cognitive Reframing:

Dvora challenged herself:

• “Is it really true that my worth depends on his behavior?”

• “Could he be tired - and still love me deeply?”

• “Am I seeing things through an old lens of fear?”

She re-framed her thinking:

________________________________________

2. Emotional Awareness: Naming, Not Blaming

When she felt the trigger, she paused.

“What emotion is coming up for me?”

Instead of reacting, she labeled it:

"This is fear of being overlooked. This is sadness."

As it says: "דְּאָגָה בְּלֶב אִישׁ יַשְׁחֶנָּה"

" If there is worry in a person’s heart - let him speak it out."

(Mishlei 12:25, Berachos 55a)

________________________________________

3. Taking Ownership: My Feelings, My Work

Dvora wrote herself a powerful reminder:

"אֵין אָדָם נִצְטַעֵר אֶלָּא מִתּוֹךְ חִסָּרוֹן עַצְמוֹ" "A person only feels pain because of their own inner lack." (Chovos HaLevavos, Shaar HaKniah)

Pain isn’t failure - it’s an invitation to heal.

________________________________________

________________________________________

Yaakov’s Story:

Yaakov enjoyed his wife’s warmth and spontaneity. But whenever she made last-minute plans with guests, or forgot an important errand, he got irritated.

Underneath?

Limiting Belief: Incompetent

After reflection, he realized:

“My irritation isn’t about her. It’s my old fear of being seen as incapable.”

He practiced saying:

________________________________________

Miriam’s Story:

Every time her mother gave advice about homework, friends, or clothes - even kindly - Miriam felt like exploding.

Her inner voice:

Limiting Belief: Failure

Miriam practiced:

________________________________________

Getting Practical:

Identify the Trigger:
Ask yourself:
What happened that caused such a strong emotional reaction?

Name the Limiting Belief:
Complete the sentence:
"When this happens, I tell myself that I am..."
Examples:

• Unimportant

• Incompetent

• A failure

• Not good enough

• Unlovable

Challenge the Belief:
Ask:

• Is this actually true?

• What evidence do I have against it?

• Is there another explanation?

Example:
"My wife forgot to tell me something. That doesn't mean I'm unimportant. It may simply mean she was busy."

Use a Torah Anchor:
Choose a pasuk or Chazal that reminds you of the truth.

"חביב אדם שנברא בצלם"
"Beloved is every person, for they were created in the image of Hashem." (Avos 3:18)

"אין עוד מלבדו"
"There is nothing besides Him." (Devarim 4:35)

Own Your Growth:
Instead of asking:
"Why did they make me feel this way?"

Ask:
"What is Hashem showing me about myself, and how can I grow from this?"

Remember: The trigger isn't the problem. It reveals the wound that is asking to be healed.