CBT ToolTalk #2: The Inner Critic: Part 2 - From Negative Thoughts to Limiting Beliefs

DISCLAIMER:

What is written below can be triggering and open you up to negative thought patterns. If you are highly sensitive or easily brought down, either skip this post until the next lesson or please read this and do this work with someone you trust who can help you through the exercise.

In Part 1, we learned how to identify that nagging voice in our heads, the inner critic. But how exactly does it hold us back?

The inner critic whispers doubts and insecurities that can solidify into limiting beliefs. These are fixed ideas that convince us we can't achieve something, acting like mental roadblocks that prevent us from reaching our full potential.

The Power of Words:

Imagine you're sitting at the Shabbat table, and your guest opens with, "You know Sari from down the street? Well, let me tell you - she's the most incompetent, irresponsible, dumb, lazy person I know."

What would your reaction be? Would you want to invite this guest to your home again? It's LOSHON HARA (derogatory speech). It's forbidden to speak it, listen to it, and believe it!

Not only would you gently remind your guest that they are at a Shabbat table and this is not appropriate, but you would likely never invite them again and probably avoid such a person altogether. Who wants to be around negativity?

Well, that's what most of us do on a pretty regular basis towards ourselves.

Let's revisit the story of Reuven, the customer who forgot his prescription. Remember, his inner critic told him, "I left my prescription at home, I'm so stupid!"

Here, the key words are "so stupid." This label creates a limiting belief: "I am stupid" or "I am incompetent." This belief might make Reuven hesitant to ask for help in the future, fearing another mistake will reinforce his "incompetence." He might avoid situations where forgetting something could happen again, leading to feelings of frustration, inadequacy, and isolation.

Identifying Limiting Beliefs:

The inner critic can target various aspects of our lives. Here's a list of common limiting beliefs:

To clarify, in this exercise, I'm referring to personal limiting beliefs, not beliefs about others or the world around us.

Here are some limiting statements you might say to yourself:

"I'm not good enough."

"I'm a failure."

"I'm not worthy of love/happiness."

"I'm unattractive."

"I'm too old/young."

"I'm socially awkward."

"I'm weak/unathletic."

"I'm always a disappointment."

"I'm a burden to others."

"I'm not good at anything."

"I'm a follower, not a leader."

"I'm not creative/funny/intelligent/interesting..."

"I don't deserve good things."

"I'm cursed with bad luck."

"I'm damaged goods."

"I can't change, this is just who I am."

About Ourselves - Personality:

"I'm too sensitive."

"I'm too shy."

"I'm boring."

"I'm lazy."

"I'm selfish."

"I'm overemotional."

"I'm too critical of myself."

"I'm too critical of others."

"I'm easily offended."

"I'm a perfectionist."

About Ourselves - Mindset:

"I'm not smart enough."

"I'm a slow learner."

"I'm forgetful/scatterbrained."

"I'm bad at making decisions."

"I have a bad memory."

"I'm not good at math/science/art..."

"I'm not good at public speaking."

"I'm bad at learning new things."

"I'm not tech-savvy."

"I have a learning disability, so I can't achieve X."

About Our Abilities:

"I can't learn this."

"I'm bad at..." (specific skills)

"I'll never be successful."

"I don't have the talent for this."

"I'm not creative/funny/intelligent..."

"I can't sing/dance/play an instrument."

"I can't fix things myself."

"I'm not good at writing/speaking another language."

"I'm not athletic."

"I'm not good in business/sales/marketing..."

"I'm not artistic/musical/mechanically inclined..."

About the World:

"Everyone else is better than me."

"I'm different. People will judge me."

"Bad things always happen to me."

"There's no point in trying, I'll just fail anyway."

"I don't have what it takes to succeed."

"The world is unfair."

"No one will ever like/love me."

"Why should anyone care about me? It's a dog-eat-dog world."

About Taking Action:

"It's too difficult/expensive/time-consuming."

"What's the point? It won't make a difference."

"I need to be perfect before I start."

"I'm afraid of making mistakes."

"If I try, I might fail, and that's too embarrassing."

"Change is scary, it's better to stay safe."

"Taking risks is dangerous."

"I'm bad at public speaking."

"I'm afraid of heights/closed spaces/etc."

"I'm bad at managing my time."

"I don't have the willpower to stick to a plan."

Relationship-Specific:

About Others:

"People can't be trusted."

"Everyone will eventually leave me."

"I'm not good enough for anyone to love."

"No one understands me."

About Myself in Relationships:

"I'm a burden to others."

"I'm not good at relationships."

"I always mess things up."

"I'm too needy/clingy."

Success-Oriented:

"I'm not lucky enough to be successful."

"Successful people are born, not made."

"I don't have the right connections."

"The system is rigged against me."

"One mistake will ruin everything."

Financial Beliefs:

"I'm bad with money."

"Rich people are greedy/lucky. I'm a pushover/unlucky."

"I can never afford that. I'm incapable."

"Making money is hard and takes too much time. I'm too lazy."

Health-Related:

"I'm not strong/healthy enough."

"I'll never lose weight/get in shape."

Remember: This list is still not exhaustive, and the inner critic can be endlessly creative in crafting limiting beliefs. However, by becoming aware of these common patterns, you can begin to challenge them and build a more empowering mindset.

Here are some questions you can ask yourself to discover your personal limiting beliefs:

General Self-Perception:

What are my biggest weaknesses? (Be cautious: How you answer this question might reveal limiting beliefs, but it can also lead to negative self-talk. Be mindful and focus on identifying limiting beliefs, not dwelling on negativity.)

What are my biggest fears?

What are some recurring negative thoughts I have about myself?

In what areas of life do I feel the most stuck or unfulfilled?

When do I feel the most insecure or inadequate?

Specific Situations:

When I consider pursuing a new goal, what thoughts come up first? (e.g., "I'm not good enough," "It's too hard," "I'll just fail anyway")

When I receive criticism, how do I typically react? (e.g., "They're right, I'm a failure," "I can't do anything right")

When I experience setbacks or failures, what is my internal narrative? (e.g., "I'm a loser," "I never succeed at anything")

In relationships (romantic, friendships, work), what patterns do I notice? (e.g., "People always leave me," "I don't deserve good relationships")

Remember:

Limiting beliefs can be deeply ingrained, so it may take time and self-compassion to uncover them.

Don't judge yourself for having limiting beliefs - everyone has them!

The goal is to identify these beliefs and challenge them with more empowering thoughts.

Why It Matters:

Shlomo Hamelech teaches us, "Guard your heart, for from it flow the springs of life"

שְּׁמֹר לְבָבְךָ כִּי מִמֶּנּוּ תּוֹצְאוֹת חַיִּים (Proverbs 4:23). Our thoughts and beliefs have a powerful influence on our lives.

The Talmud teaches: “בְּדֶרֶךְ שֶׁאָדָם רוֹצֶה לָלֶכֶת בָּהּ מוֹלִיכִין אוֹתוֹ. [B’derech she’adam rotzeh lalechet bahem molechin oto.]” (Makkos 12) Even though Hashem has a plan for each of us, it's up to us to choose our path. Limiting beliefs can restrict our choices and prevent us from fulfilling our potential. When we allow our inner critic to guide us and say “I’m so stupid, dumb, lazy, incapable, etc.” then it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy and Hashem will guide us on the path we fo...