CBT ToolTalk #16: Facing Your Fears: Exposure Therapy Through a Torah Lens

Exposure Therapy is the process of gradually exposing oneself to a feared situation or object in a controlled way. By gradually facing their fears, people become desensitized to the source of their anxiety, and it loses its power over them. Instead of avoiding what scares them, they confront it in small, manageable steps, with the goal of becoming comfortable and gaining control over their reactions.

Rabbi Shimshon Raphael Hirsch interprets the pasuk “be strong and courageous” - "חזקו ואמצו" (Devarim 31:6) as a reminder that bravery comes from actively facing our struggles rather than running from them. "חזקו" refers to the inner strength to control one's own fears and hesitations, while "ואמצו" is the courage to take action despite them. That means facing one's fears, rather than avoiding them.

There are dozens of examples across Tanach where we are told “not to fear” לֹא תירא someone or something. How can Hashem, Moshe, or any other prophet tell us how to feel? If anything, being told “don’t be afraid” usually only strengthens our fears. When the Torah instructs us, it’s a call for us to face our fears, not ignore them.

How Exposure Therapy Can Help Us Overcome Anxiety:

Identifying the Source of Fear Our rabbis teach us to “Know our enemy” דע את אויבך. Only once we understand who our enemy is, with his strengths and weaknesses, can we fight him. Through Cheshbon Hanefesh (spiritual accounting), recognizing the source of our fear (our greatest enemy) allows us to address it directly and attack it.

Taking Small Steps Forward Exposure Therapy encourages gradual exposure, one step at a time. The Torah understands that great change comes through small steps, as it says, “one mitzvah after another, one line after another, little by little.” כי צו לצו, צו לצו, קו לקו קו לקו, זעיר שם, זעיר שם (Yeshayahu 28:10),

There’s the famous story of Rebbe Akiva, when he went to learn alef-beis at the age of 40 with schoolchildren. They laughed at the sight of a grown man sitting with them in the classroom, and Rebbe Akiva wanted to give up.

His wife, Rachel, told him to take a donkey with some dirt and a plant on its back to the market, advertising that he was selling a “plant-growing donkey.” After a few days, the crowd’s ridicule in the market subsided. Rachel was teaching her husband that the strange sight of a grown man learning with children would also subside, and he should continue studying Torah. She intuitively understood that people are so involved in their own lives that the mockery Rebbe Akiva received could not be lasting, and eventually, they’d leave him alone.

Practical Examples: Stories of Growth Through Exposure Therapy

Miriam’s Social Anxiety in the Shul Kiddush Room

Miriam had severe social anxiety, especially during Kiddush in her community’s shul. Every Shabbat, she would feel isolated as she avoided the Kiddush room, fearing she’d have no one to talk to or that people might judge her. After a few months of feeling increasingly lonely, she decided it was time to make a change. Her therapist suggested Exposure Therapy.

Miriam started small. Her therapist suggested she begin by entering the Kiddush room for just a minute, saying hello to one person, and then leaving if she felt uncomfortable. The first week, she only managed to smile at someone in the doorway and left immediately after. But gradually, she began staying longer each week.

The initial stages were extremely uncomfortable for Miriam. Her heart raced, and she often felt her face go red. However, she took comfort in knowing that each small step was an achievement. As weeks went by, she found herself actually enjoying short conversations and meeting new people. Her anxiety lessened, and her Shabbat experience transformed.

Yaakov’s Fear of Public Speaking

Yaakov, a young teacher in a yeshiva, had a tremendous fear of public speaking. Every time he thought about giving a shiur (lesson), his palms would sweat, and he felt paralyzed. But as he progressed in his studies, his rosh yeshiva encouraged him to start teaching others. Yaakov couldn’t imagine speaking in front of a crowd, but he wanted to overcome his fear.

With encouragement, he started with a small group of students. At first, he felt his hands shake, and he was afraid his voice would give out. But his exposure was gradual - his rosh yeshiva suggested he give just a short thought on the parsha to three or four boys at a time.

Each time he spoke, he felt a mix of excitement and dread. But he discovered that each exposure took the edge off his fear a little more. After a few months, he was comfortable giving a 10-minute shiur to a small audience. He slowly increased his audience size and eventually became one of the beloved teachers, known for his relatable lessons.

Getting Practical: Exercises for Gradual Exposure

List Your Fears Write down specific fears or anxieties you want to overcome. Be as specific as possible (e.g., “I’m afraid of speaking in public,” or “I fear introducing myself to new people”).

Break It Down Break each fear into smaller, manageable steps. For example, if you fear public speaking, start by speaking to a close friend about a topic. Then try speaking to a small group. Gradually build up to speaking in larger settings.

Take One Small Step Choose the smallest possible step on your list and commit to doing it. Remind yourself that each step is progress, and remember, "be strong and courageous" חזקו ואמצו (Deuteronomy 31:6).

Reflect and Celebrate after each step, reflect on what you accomplished. Keep a journal to track your feelings and notice any progress, no matter how small. Celebrate your progress and remember that Hashem is with you, cheering you on!

You should see success, and with Hashem's help, conquer and grow from your fears.