CBT ToolTalk #12: Self-Care: Filling Your Cup

Life draws energy from us. Problems take their toll on our stability. It can take more energy and strength to calmly deal with a difficult person than it can to pick up a ton of bricks. Throughout our day, we’re faced with family members who need us, employers who expect of us, or something unexpected gets thrown at us. We need the inner strength to be able to "deal" and maintain some sense of composure.

Before I can even begin to work through any issue, there must be a "me" to work with. You must be working with a full emotional charge to be able to handle whatever is thrown your way.

A 2016 study described "low-battery anxiety": how a person's attitude is directly linked to their phone battery. Ninety percent of people have some discomfort when their phone battery is less than 20% charged. This is also true for our internal battery. We need food and sleep to nourish our body, otherwise it ceases to function. This is also true for our emotional and spiritual well-being. When a battery gets low, it doesn’t function properly. Applications take longer to open and some functions may not work properly or at all. Sometimes it can even cause damage to your phone. You can’t let this happen to you.

There was a children’s comic strip that showed a little boy lying in bed with two cups. One was full of water and one was empty. The boy’s brother walks into the room and asks, "Shmuli, why do you have two cups?" Shmuli answers, "One for when I’m thirsty, and one for when I’m not."

We need to always have one cup to drink from and another to fill up as our reserve, just in case we finish the first.

There are three unique ways to “fill your cup”: (It is a good idea to do all of them.)

1. Self-love is the act of doing things that you enjoy and give you energy. They may or may not have a constructive physical benefit. They will pick up your spirits and allow you to be focused and balanced. It could be eating something you enjoy, spending time with a close friend, reading a good book, a hobby, going to a party, spending time in nature, etc. (For me, self-love would be eating marshmallows.)

2. Self-care acts are not always enjoyable, but are for my benefit. Going to a doctor when I’m ill. Have you ever been prescribed a medicine that you were supposed to take for x number of days and then stopped taking it before it prescribed time? That’s a lack of self-care (and perhaps also of self-love). Eating healthy, sleeping properly, exercising, meditation, or engaging in spiritual practices (ex. learning Torah, davening, doing chesed, getting involved a community activity, etc.) can be powerful ways a person can strengthen themself.

3. Self-compassion is where we are kind to ourselves. When we’re challenged by the negativity of our inner critic (“The Inner Critic” above) , self-compassion is where I can either challenge those thoughts or allow myself to ignore those thoughts. Self-compassion means treating myself gently and taking care not to overdo it. When other people bother me, I can set healthy boundaries (see “Building Healthy Boundaries” above) or physically remove myself from toxic environments.

I heard from one of my teachers, Rabbi Aaron Brody, that there are two ways to pour water from your cup into someone else’s: 1. You could pour from your cup into theirs. This will benefit them, but leave your cup empty. 2. You can continuously pour into your cup, and it will overflow into theirs. When you put the effort into creating a practice of self-love, self-care, and self-compassion, you not only strengthen yourself - you will also impact others!

In the fast-paced world we live in, it's easy to prioritize work, family, and social obligations over our own needs. However, neglecting self-care can lead to burnout, stress, and decreased overall well-being.

Consistency is key when it comes to self-care. It’s important to incorporate these practices into your daily routine and be patient with yourself. Remember, self-care is not selfish; it's essential for your overall well-being and ability to function effectively.

If you wait until you are in an overwhelmed, exhausted state to practice self-care it’s too late.

Getting Practical:

Here’s a few exercises you can do today to get you started.

1.Identify three forms of personal self-love.

2.Identify three forms of personal self-care.

3.Identify one time you practiced (or should have practiced) self -compassion.