CBT ToolTalk #10: Building Healthy Boundaries: Dealing With the “Doormat” Syndrome

Ever feel like your days are a marathon of “To Do’s”, filled with family commitments, religious duties and social obligations? It can be overwhelming, and sometimes we find ourselves saying "yes" to everything, ending up drained, resentful and feeling like a doormat. Healthy boundaries are the key to protecting your time, energy, and overall well-being.

Please note: We are only focusing on what you can control. There are always going to be unavoidable obligations. Facing responsibilities and obligations without getting overwhelmed, anxious and frustrated will be dealt in a later article.

Identifying Your Boundaries:

What truly matters to you? In the big picture - Is it spending quality time with your family, taking time out to learn “The Daf”, keeping active and exercising, or having meaningful relationships? Jot down your core values These are things like honesty, family, compassion, growth, freedom, communication, commitment (to Torah and mitzvos, to others, to our word, etc.), derech eretz (proper conduct), etc. - these anchors guide your decisions and help you prioritize effectively. There are also things that that might be important right now but aren’t at a different time. That’s also Ok. It’s important to know where you stand with what’s being asked of you and be honest with yourself whether or not this is in-line with my core values.

There’s value to having a Shabbos guests, but not if it means it’ll take time away from your children (I know a rabbi that tells his guests outright “you are welcome to come for a Shabbos meal, but just be aware - I might ignore you. I need to focus on my children!”).

What are your physical, emotional, and social needs? How much time and energy can you realistically dedicate to different areas of your life?

If you had a rough day, it could be the last thing you need is to put on a fake smile and go to that wedding. Or perhaps, taking Shlomi to his appointment is just too much for you right now and you really need to just have some down time with a good book and cup of coffee. Recognizing your needs allows you to set boundaries that prevent burnout, ensuring you have the energy to fulfill your commitments with joy.

Emotional Triggers & Body Language Cues: Pay close attention to the emotional response you have when someone makes a request. Does your stomach clench, jaw tighten, or brow furrow? Do you feel a wave of resentment or guilt? Notice these negative emotions as potential indicators of a boundary being pushed.

The mitzvah of "Guard your souls very much" וְנִשְׁמַרְתֶּם מְאֹד לְנַפְשֹׁתֵיכֶם (Devarim 4:15) is the second commandment in the Torah and is in reference to serving idols. Why specifically by this commandment does it warn us to "very much"? Perhaps it is coming to teach us that when we don't allow ourselves to take care of the body and soul Hashem gave us, by giving into others when it's unhealthy for us, it's as if we are worshiping them.

Setting boundaries ensures you can effectively fulfill your commitments - to your family, community, and yourself - and live a truly meaningful life.

Mastering the Art of Assertive Communication: More Than Just Saying "No"

Communicate your needs and limitations with clarity and respect. Express your boundaries with phrases like "I'd love to help with the Shabbat Kiddush prep, but I can only manage for an hour this afternoon" or "Thank you for inviting me to the shiur (lecture), but I already have a prior commitment that evening."

The Power of "Maybe Later" or “Let me think about it”: Don't feel pressured to give an immediate answer. Sometimes we need time to decide whether we are willing to do something and/or in what capacity. Buy yourself time to assess your schedule and needs before committing. "Maybe Later" and “Let me think about it” allows you to space out commitments and avoid feeling overwhelmed. It’s essential though to be honest with yourself and others. Don’t give someone a “Maybe later” unless you are truly considering doing it.

Offer Alternatives: Can't volunteer for the entire community event? Offer to help set up or contribute a specific dish. You might be able to suggest someone else for the task or getting a service to take care of it. This shows willingness to participate while setting clear boundaries around your time.

The Broken Record Technique: If someone persists after you've politely declined, repeat your refusal calmly and firmly. For example, if a neighbor keeps asking you to babysit their children every Shabbat afternoon, simply repeat, "Thank you for thinking of me, but I have other commitments on Shabbat."

Other Boundary Setting Tools:

Cognitive Restructuring: Challenge negative thoughts that prevent you from setting boundaries. Instead of getting caught up in thoughts like "They'll think I'm selfish if I say no," reframe them to something more empowering, like "It's okay to prioritize my well-being so I can be fully present in my commitments."

Visualization: Imagine yourself confidently setting a boundary in a specific situation. Mentally rehearse saying "no" and visualize the positive outcome, such as feeling empowered and in control.

Exposure Therapy (with a therapist): In a environment with a therapist, gradually expose yourself to situations where you might struggle to set boundaries. This can involve role-playing scenarios where you practice saying "no".

Getting practical:

1. Identifying Your Values and Needs:

Core Values: Make a list of 5 core values that are important to you in life. This could include things like family, honesty, growth, health, or spirituality.

Needs Assessment: Create a pie chart where each section represents a different area of your life (family, work, social, self-care, etc.). Allocate slices based on the amount of time and energy you realistically have for each area. Reflect on how balanced your pie chart is and what adjustments you might need to make.

1. Journaling: Write down a situation or two where someone made a request of you. Include your emotional response (frustration, resentment, etc.), any physical sensations you experienced (tight jaw, clenched stomach), and ultimately how you responded to the request. This will help you get in touch with how to set proper boundaries.

2. Role-Playing: Choose a challenging scenario where you struggle to set boundaries (e.g., saying no to extra work, declining social invitations). Role-play this scenario with a friend or family member, practicing assertive communication techniques like "I statements" and offering alternatives.

3. Visualization: Take 5 minutes to visualize yourself confidently setting a boundary in a specific situation. Imagine yourself saying "no" calmly and clearly. Picture the positive outcome.

List of 25 core beliefs

Honesty

Integrity

Kindness

Compassion

Respect

Fairness

Justice

Responsibility

Freedom

Equality

Growth

Learning

Creativity

Adventure

Independence

Health

Happiness

Balance

Security

Trust

Communication

Love

Loyalty

Support

Commitment